How Do You Want to Die?
Not alone. Surrounded by the people I love the most.
The past few weeks have been filled with so much anger and despair over the death of the Hollywood actor who played the Marvel superhero character, Black Panther, the one and only Chadwick Boseman.
Coincidentally, the night before I heard of his death, I felt uneasy and developed this need to write on this piece that had been in my head for weeks. All that time, I only had a title ‘How do you want to die’ in my head, and before it starts to seem like a cry for help, no, I’m not suicidal. It was just a thought that had been lingering in my mind for a while as death is such an inevitable event, so we can only hope that we are at least allowed to choose how we want to die.
Now, how do I want to die?
Peacefully.
I do not want to be in pain, and even if I must, I do not want it to be the kind that makes me groan, hold unto my sheets tightly, clench my teeth, wrinkle my sheets with the heel of my feet, begging for my life. I want it to be internal, my heart slighting breaking into tiny parts that form my seeds of love that I will deposit to the hearts of the ones I love the most, before I leave.
Touching.
…the hands of someone I love. I want to feel the pores on their arms and back of their palms, I want to touch their face and feel their eyes, wipe their tears away and tell them to accept my passing with joy. Touch their neck. Feel their lips with my hands, their hair, run my hands across their faces with the curiosity of a newborn trying to feed at their mother’s breast for the first time. Skin to skin. I want to feel all of it, knowing that the skin is only a layer covering the bag of bones that I will soon become and that the only thing that connects us exists within.
Quietly.
No music. No tears. None of that. I want to listen to the world that almost suffocated me with the noise of survival. What was it trying to tell me that I was always too occupied to listen to? I think I can hear it sing a sweet song of redemption, the birds are chirping and the ocean waves dance to the rhythm of this song that sounds like home.
Eyes closed. Lips parted into a smile. Lying upright. Feeling everything, but fear. I prepared for this day and knew it would come. So there’s no need to be anxious or afraid. With the knowledge that I’ve achieved my purpose and lived a full life of impact. Loved genuinely, laughed innocently and looked at everything with the curiosity of a child. Mistakes did not define me because I was never ashamed to experience the different stages of learning and unlearning. I owned up to my wrongs and decided my destiny with my actions and the emotions I provoked through my art and creations. I lived freely.
It’s been a month since Chadwick Boseman passed on and I still miss him everyday like I knew him personally. Praying for his family, especially his wife. Also, greatly inspired by his level of work and dedication and I’m convinced that he lived a life of purpose. I hope we all figure ours too, one day at a time.
